Big Bad Boss

I used to say to my staffs .. " You all ni kan... kalau kerja dengan En. Ismail macamana agaknya!!!", whenever their works were not up to my expectation.

My ex boss, En Ismail, couldnt tolerate spelling errors, made me feel so guilty if I got sick, blamed me for everything when something went wrong, forced me to work during weekends. Although he was the best boss anybody could have... I used to think, working with him is so tiring and stressful BUT very rewarding (in case.. he is reading.. hehehehe!!)

HOWEVER...

Hafa (my J41 officer), Darwin (my pembantu undang-undang) and I went to Johor Bahru on Boxing Day to finalise our Manual Penyiasatan dan Pendakwaan. Once we checked in to the hotel, we worked and we worked. We worked until 3.00 am. The next morning, Darwin (the most obedient) pening-pening, langgar dinding and collapsed. We quickly sent her to the hospital and she was admitted for two days.

I am a monster. I drilled my staff until she collapsed and admitted to the hospital. I was even worse than En. Ismail *sigh*

I hope she forgives me. I hope she gets well soon.. and... continue kerja... (kerja banyak menunggu, babe!) :p

Shanghai

In between my first operation and my second operation, Shahid and I went to Shanghai. Nanti cerita lagi bila dah upload gambar-gambar.

Chiangmai~Chiangrai

Gambar belum up load lagi dalam desktop ni.. tapi tak sabar-sabar nak cerita kat sini. Hari ini, office kosong, semua ke Peperiksaan PTK. Langsung tak ada mood nak kerja (like.. hari lain ada mood.. hahaha!) Rasa sangat guilty dah lama tak tulis apa-apa di sini.

On the 1st of November, Shahid & I pergi ke Chiangmai. Walaupun, kaki sakit. Lebih teruk lagi naik Air Asia, bila nak boarding kena jalan berbatu-batu baru sampai. I took lots of pain killers. Sakit kaki tak kurang tapi bertambah pulak dengan gastrik.

Sampai sahaja di Chiangmai, kami dibawa ke Doi Suthep Temple. Ramai yang pada mulanya tak berminat ke Temple, tapi ramai yang kata kalau visit Chiangmai dan tak pergi tengok temple ni macam... pergi paris tak tengok eifel tower, atau pergi london tak tengok big ben atau pergi KL tak tengok KLCC. We were pleasantly surprise. The temple is beautiful, clean, well kept.

Selepas ke sana, we were taken to a small restaurant to have lunch! Tom Yam was so GREAT!!! (Every meal must have Tom Yam. I do not mind at all.. sebab sedap sangat!) Lepas makan ke Honey Factory, before we checked in.

After dinner, we went to the night bazaar. Despite, sakit kaki, masih sempat shopping.

The next morning we went to the Elephant Camp. The elephant ride was memorable! From there, to the orchid farm then to a few craft centres around chiangmai.

The third day, we went to Mei San, a border town before you enter Myanmar. Shopping lagi.. Mei San ni macam Padang Besar.. but nicer and more things to shop. And the weather was nicer too.

From there to the Golden Triangle. Dari sekolah lagi, selalu berangan nak pergi golden triangle. But it was a disappointment. Nothing much to see. Tak ada pun poppy farm. But we did took a boat ride to Laos (ye ke laos tu... i bet we were still in Thailand) and that was fun.

Lepas dinner di Chiangrai, bertolak balik ke Chiangmai. Sampai di hotel dalam pukul 10.00 mlm. Masih ramai yang dalam shopping mode lagi, so we all pegi ke night bazaar. shopping until 12.00! then, 10 of us took the taxi back to the hotel. and that was fun too...

Keesokan harinya, lepas breakfast, bertolak balik.

Note - walaupun nampak macam aktiviti utama ialah bershopping, tapi sebenarnya tidak. sebenarnya yang bestnya di sana ialah the weather. just nice to cuddle up! (lagipun rasa guilty tak beli souvenirs untuk sesiapa... sorry guys!)

My Buah Hati Pengarang Jantung

Marissa

Maira

Photos courtesy of Nana, my beloved cousin.

Musibah v Hikmah

Sometimes I underestimate myself. When the doctor diagnosed that I have another cancer in me, I thought I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too much for me. The last operation was bad enough. My wound collapsed and I had to undergo three-time-a-day dressing, the after effect of chemotherapy, the operation, the skin staplers!

Then finally I’ve decided to allow myself to cry. I cried a few times and when I was done I said to myself: I might die during the surgery, I might die because of the infection, I might die within a few months after chemo, I might die next year after they find another cancer in me, or I might die five years after one surgery after another. The truth is I will never know. Nobody knows except for Allah.

But one thing I know best, now I am still alive and I had better spend the time that I have left to the fullest. Nobody or nothing can take that away from me.

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer only six months after they told me I have ovarian cancer.

Setiap musibah ada hikmahnya. Ya Allah… I have seen it. Subhanallah.. the ‘hikmah’ from these musibah was so great and so wonderful that it was so bloody indescribable. And the hikmah is , I feel loved! Not ordinary love but UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Tak Ada Orang

I used to have 3 J41 officers, 2 J36 TA kanan, 4 TA J29 kiri , 1 pembantu undang-undang and 2 J17 technicians (semua ada 13 including me). Chua, my J41 officer pegi Jepun buat PhD. The other 2, Fitri and Zaliza kena transfer to fill up posts kat local authorities. Today, Shereen & Shahrul cuti, Darwin MC, 5 TAs pergi Terengganu attending Mesyuarat Penolong Pegawai dan yang tinggal, Shariny, Zul and I. Hari ni tinggal 3 orang *sigh* Kerja banyak, tak ada orang nak tolong. So, tak nak buat kerja lah... hahahaha!!

Jangan Mengeluh

From an email I received from Shahid~
Kita selalu bertanya, dan Al-Quran sudah menjawabnya.

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU DIUJI?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan; "Kami telah beriman," ("I am full of faith to Allah") sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji org2 yg sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui org2 yg benar dan, sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui org2 yg dusta." -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU TAK DAPAT APA YG AKU IDAM-IDAMKAN?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." - Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA UJIAN SEBERAT INI?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. " - Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA RASA FRUST?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Jgnlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan jgnlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah org2 yg paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu org2 yg beriman." - Surah Al-Imran ayat 139

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi segala kesukaran dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yang berkebajikan) , dan kuatkanlah kesabaran kamu lebih daripada kesabaran musuh, di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan kekuatan pertahanan di daerah-daerah sempadan) serta bertaqwalah (be fearfull of Allah The Almighty) kamu kepada Allah supaya, kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan). "

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada orang-orang yang khusyuk" - Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45

KITA BERTANYA : APA YANG AKU DAPAT DRPD SEMUA INI?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari org2 mu'min, diri, harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga utk mereka... ? - Surah At-Taubah ayat 111

KITA BERTANYA : KEPADA SIAPA AKU BERHARAP?
QURAN MENJAWAB "Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain dari Nya. Hanya kepadaNya aku bertawakkal. " - Surah At-Taubah ayat 129

KITA BERKATA : AKU TAK DAPAT TAHAN!!!
QURAN MENJAWAB "... ..dan jgnlah kamu berputus asa dr rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dr rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yg kafir." - Surah Yusuf ayat 12

Maira

Maira. The latest edition to the family. She was born at 3.38 pm on the 30th April 2007. Chacha's younger sister who looks exactly like her.
Dear, dear Maira, Pak Long and Mak Long promise to spoil you rotten. We promise you these-
We will spend times at the shopping complexes buying you and your sister dresses, toys and books at ridiculous prices.
We will let you eat ice creams, donuts and chocolates whenever you want (even with running nose and coughs).
We will take you to KLCC and let you spend all our shillings on the stupid rides even that is the only thing we will do in KLCC.
We .. ehem.. Pak Long, I mean, will dukung you whenever you ask him to do so.
We will let you touch, play with, or push every button on our stereo or whatever things you fancy in our car.
We do not mind singing your nursery rhymes in public places.
We will let you jump on our new sofa, our bed, our table whenever you feel like it.
We will let you make our house looks like tongkang pecah.
We will let you skip your nap time.
We do not mind spending two hours in front of the PC to watch Barney and friends.
We wont mind if you want to watch your nursery rhymes CDs over and over again. And lastly, we promise to return you, groggy, moody, melekit, masam, tired, berhingus dengan pampers yang penuh to your parents at the end of the day…. hehehe!!!

Happy Birthday Noorzanah Zainal! :-)

Rasa terpanggil untuk letak gambar ni. We were 22. We were celebrating Ada, Peah & Zana's birthdays at my hall of residence, Cornbrook House. All of us gained 2 kilos (each.. hehehe!) during that month, eventhough it was Ramadhan! There were other photos.. but I can only put this one.. yang lain tu.. ehem!.. sexy sangat! Remember.. what we did.. makan, main gin rummy, makan, main gin rummy, tengok wayang, shopping, makan, main gin rummy, tido, tido, tido, gelak, gelak, gelak, dressed up, gelak, makan..makan.. hahaha!

Zana, Ada & Peah.. my dearest-dearest friends.. not anybody are as lucky as we are. We have each other since we were 18! And I am sure we will remain friends forever. We will grow old together. I can even imagine attending your children's wedding, listening to you bragging about your grandchildren. We will forever remain young when we are together. (not because, we, except for Peah, marry younger men! hahaha!!)

Side Effects of Chemotheraphy

The chemotherapy drug that was given to me is carboplatin. A typical treatment for ovarian cancer. Carboplatin stops the growth of cancer cells, causing the cells to die. Carboplatin can temporarily lower the number of white blood cells in the blood, increasing the chance of getting an infection.

I underestimated the side effects of the drug because I went through the second and third chemo painless!

But this time....*sigh*! These side effects began right after the treatment and lasted for 3 days. Prof BK Lim, my oncologist, did prescribe an anti-sickness drug to prevent nausea and vomiting. However, I suffered loss of appetite and change of taste. I was tired all the time, I was weak. Walking from the living room to the bathroom pun tercungap-cungap (note : my apartment is small). I slept for hours.
I also notice numbness and tingling in my hands. I read somewhere this is known as peripheral neuropathy and is due to the effect of carboplatin on nerves. It is very rare if you receive usual doses of the drug, but it may happen if you have very high-dose treatment. I think I suffered hair lost. But I am not worried as I believe my hair will start to regrow once the treatment ends.

I took lots and lots of fruits and vegetables to avoid constipation and it worked. I tried the prescribed lactulose solution after my first chemo, but I ended up suffering from diarrhea... hahaha!
Luckily there's only Shahid at home, my mood has been unbearable. I know chemo can suppress estrogen production that can cause mood swings but I have the feeling that the mood swings may be related to having to endure chemotherapy treatment. It made me feel tired, irritable, queasy, and frustrated. Bersyukur, dikurniakan suami yang sabar seperti dia!

Another Favourite Love Poem

I remembered reading Sonnet 18 on a Manchester's bus stop billboard. It was summer. I was lonely. I miss home. My boyfriend dikebas orang.. hahaha! *wink* *wink* For the first time Shakespeare made sense! Here.. I present~~

William Shakespeare

1564-1616

Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date.

Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimmed,

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature's changing course,

untrimmed;

By thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,

Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

*sigh*

Chemo 4th Cycle

Today I went to my 4th round of chemotheraphy. For the first time, without Shahid. Muzaffar sent me and later Zana, Nadeem & Nabeel picked me up from the hospital and sent me home.

My CA125 test after my 2nd chemo was 41, after my 3rd chemo it was 15! Normal values range from 0 to 35. CA-125 stands for Cancer Antigen 125. The CA-125 test looks for the presence of a protein on the surface of cells from the ovary. Elevated levels of this protein have been associated with other types of cancer, but it is considered a biomarker for ovarian cancer.

Zana, Nadeem (the kobishead), Nabeel & I celebrated by having nasi kukus ayam berempah. Yeay!!!!
I had a chemo port installed for my chemo. My oncologist recommended that I have a port or "port-a-cath" inserted in my upper chest wall (the space between your collarbone and your breast) to make chemotherapy easier and more comfortable for me. The port is about the size of a 20 cent shilling, only thicker, and what you can see is only a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:
(a) No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm.
(b) A port may be especially valuable for those, like me, who might be experiencing some swelling of the arm on the side of their surgery.

(c) The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.
(d) Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort.

(e) Getting blood for blood tests can usually be done through the port, decreasing the number of times you need to have a vein "stuck."

Me, during chemo

I did not move about during chemo. The only reason was : I was so bloody "seghiau". So takut the thing like tercabut!! Since I was alone throughout the 2 hours theraphy, I was so bloody bored. Selalunya my phone rings non stop, tapi hari ni sunyi sepi. *sigh* I brought a book, but reading "hurts my mind" hahaha! Next time better bring Ikea Catalogue! Sure like 2 hours fly by!

Favourite Love Poem

I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. But we do celebrate 4th April. To my beloved husband. (and to those who think I jiwang, baca jer lah eh! memang pun, so what! Faizal, salin!)

To My Valentine
by Ogden Nash

More than a catbird hates a cat
Or a criminal hates a clue
Or the Axis hates the United States
That’s how much I love you

I love you more than the duck can swim
And more than a grapefruit squirts
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore
And more than a toothache hurts

As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea
Or a juggler hates a shove
As a hostess detests unexpected guests
That’s how much you I love

I love you more than a wasp can sting
And more than the subway jerks
I love you as much as the beggar needs a crutch
And more than a hangnail irks

I swear to you by the stars above
And below, if such there be
As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths
That’s how you are loved by me

The First Time We Met

April 4th, 1998 was the first time I met Mohd Shahid. We celebrate it every year. Exactly today will be our 9th year being together. He was with me when both my parents passed on, he was there when Chacha was born. He was there when I was diagnosed with cancer and he was the first I called after my presentation to the Prime Minister. Thank you for staying in my life. Kindness is in everything you do. You must love me very much to stay. Often now, some moment of each day, I am grateful I have you.

To Work or Not To Work

I will have to start work on the 6th of April 2007. *sigh*

"To work or not to work, --that is the question:--Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?"

-- Plagiarised from Shakespeare's Hamlet (III, i, 56-61)

Note : This is how I did my Master Degree... hahaha!!!

Thank You

Although my need is great, my gratitude is more.

But you are like the sunshine, drowning all in light.

Thank you to~

My husband ~

Mohd Shahid Mohd Mustafa

My family ~

My sisters Ja & Mila, My brothers Muzaffar, Ayut & Bob, My nieces Chacha, Dania & Sofia, My Tok Cuk & Long, My uncles, aunties & their whole family, Achik, Mok & Cu Ani & Pak Anjang. My In Laws, Teh & Ayah. Shahid's brothers and sisters, aunties, uncles and cousins.

My best friends ~

Zana & Kamarul, Anas, Sally, Sala & Idris, Art & Tasha, Pak Don & Aton, Maria & Alawi, Yan & Khalid, Ada & Fairuz, Zue & Naga, Imah & Ayob, Ros & Sam, Kak Yong,Kak Chik, Bjoe, Faizal Jahaya.

My Sisters in the Office ~

Kak Chom, Kak Jam, Kak Shinie, Kak Non, Kak Ha, Siti, Ana, Zaza, Cha, Shabee, Shara, Kak Mimi.

My beloved ex bosses ~

En Ismail, Tn. Hj Azam, Dato' Wan & Datin Teh

I want to tell you "Thank you,"

But it doesn’t seem enough.

Words don’t seem sufficient--

"Blah, blah" and all that stuff.
Please know I have deep feelings

About your generous act.

I really appreciate you;

You’re special, and that’s a fact!

My Shahid

My Shahid is someone……who knows what i need before i say it. …who knows when to laugh and when to cry. …who truly listens when i have something to say. …who's there for me during the good and bad times. …who i can trust like a sibling, confide in like a friend.…who knows when things have to be compromised. …who gives a shoulder to cry on. …who can get a point across without yelling. …who remembers all the cute stupid stuff i love. …who realizes we're two separate people, and appreciates the differences. …who understands the difference between PMS, and a real problem. …who can make me happy when I am sad. …who tells me the truth even if i don't want to hear it. …who is a sweet, romantic person who cherishes me no matter what. …who would do anything to show how much he cares. …who cherishes my hopes and is kind to my dreams. …who loves me with all his heart and soul.

~~

Kau Tercipta Untukku

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu

Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku

Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah

Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata

Yang tak mampu kuungkapkan

Kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau slalu

Hadir dan temani aku

Disetiap langkah

Yang meyakiniku

Kau tercipta untukku

Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu

Hadir dan temani aku

Disetiap langkah

Yang meyakiniku

Kau tercipta untukku

Meski waktu akan mampu

Memanggil seluruh ragaku

Ku ingin kau tau

Kuslalu milikmu

Yang mencintaimu

Sepanjang hidupku

Dedicated to Ayah

I was ENCOURAGED to start this blog. I consider it as a part of my theraphy. I remembered arwah ayah used to keep a diary. He loyally jot down everything in his diary. Even kadang-kadang the only thing he wrote were 'pergi pasar'. I remembered feeling uncomfortable seeing him doing that. Like.. he is counting the days before he leaves this world. I guessed he did. He stopped writing in his diary 100 days before he passed away.

I want to do this ~ keep a diary. Maybe I should start early. I want to remind myself always that I might have days, maybe months or maybe a few years to live. And I want to make every day, every hour, every minute meaningful! Even if the only thing I'll do in a day is going to the pasar!

Love you Ayah & Mak. So much.